Thank God It Was Only A Dream
by bluenessie83
Summary: Scully dies while in Mulder's pressence, his dealing with it


From: Bruce Savage bruce.savage@sympatico.ca
    Date: Sat, 03 Apr 1999 11:35:51 -0500
    Subject: My story
    TITLE: Thank Go It Was Only A Dream
    AUTHOR: Angel Eyes
    DISCLAIMER: All of these characters belong to the
    almighty Surfer God himself, Chris Carter. They
    will never belong to anyone or me else but him.
    CLASSIFICATION: VA
    RAITING: PG
    SPOILERS: Everything 'till now. Some references
    to past episodes.
    SUMMARY: Scully dies while Mulder is in her pres-
    ence. How will Mulder deal with her loss?
    AUTHORS NOTE: This is my first attempt at writing a
    story. Please feel free to tell me what you think
    of it, I need great encouragement, if I want to
    continue.
    DEDICATION: This story is dedicated to Julia who
    said I could do this. Thanx a bunch.
    Thank God It Was Only A Dream
    As I gradually walked down that everyday hall-
    way, a chill ran down my spine. Every time I got
    near the door my stomach started to stir up, but I
    had to be strong, had to be strong for her. I
    couldn't show her that I was sorrowful, that I
    would be alone for the rest of my life if she left.
    When I entered the room, her mother greeted me.
    She looked just as bad as Scully. Her eyes were
    all puffy and red; her cheeks were stained with her
    tears that wouldn't stop falling. Her eyes were
    empty; looking as though there was nothing left in
    them. My heart fell to the floor and I knew the
    inevitable was finally here. She was leaving, for
    good.
    I took a seat next to her on the bed and placed
    her tiny hand in mine. Her hand was so still, it
    was almost as if I was already too late but I
    achieved to make it in time to say good-bye. To
    tell her I love her. Hopefully. She stirs in her
    sleep quietly and then her exquisite oceans blue
    eyes open wide and speak to me. She goes to speak
    but I place my finger over her lips. "Don't
    speak," I murmur to her. "Just don't."
    I help her sit up in the bed and stroke the lone
    auburn strip of hair away from her face. She looks
    so pale and so fragile, almost like she would brake
    if I touched her once more. But I had to touch
    her, had to reassure her that everything would be
    all right. I move in closer, leaning in to stroke
    her cheek. She's burning up with a fever. I leave
    for a second to go get a cold wash cloth and I hear
    a slight whimper escape her but I reassure her that
    I'm not going far. I return with a cold wet cloth
    and start wiping it across her cheeks and forehead.
    I place the cloth on the table next to her bed
    noticing she hasn't touched any of the hospital
    food. Who could blame her, that stuff tastes like
    crap anyway. I make a mental note to myself to get
    her a little treat after visiting hours. We sit
    there for what seems like an eternity before I fi-
    nally speak up, "How are you feeling?" I ask qui-
    etly. She looks down before she looks at me again
    and there is a lone tear falling down her face now.
    I know the answer; she doesn't even have to say. I
    wipe away the tears but I can't stop them now,
    they're falling like a waterfall.
    I take her in my arms and let her cry it out;
    it's what she needs right now. I rub the small of
    her back; it seems to calm her down a bit. I don't
    try and stop her and I don't push her away or let
    go of her when Bill JR, walks in the room. I stand
    my ground; I let him know that I don't care anymore
    of what he thinks of me. I just want to hold her.
    She turns her head slightly and notices him but she
    doesn't let go of me. I guess Bill noticed that as
    well and walked out the door.
    Finally she speaks, "I'm going to be ok, they
    said I would," she said through her sobs. I just
    nod my head; I can't say anything, not now and not
    ever. I don't want her to go on believing the lie
    as I have all these years but if it's the only
    thing that's keeping her going then I won't stop
    her. I pull her back and place my hands on either
    sides of her face. I just stare into those eyes,
    those eyes that have at times hidden things from me
    but also have saved me a thousand times over. I
    place a kiss atop her forehead. I look back into
    her eyes and see the tears coming back. I tell her
    it's ok to cry it's natural. For her it's not; it
    never has been ever since she started working with
    me. The last time I saw her cry was in my hallway
    when we almost kissed. The day I made my speech to
    her that would change our lives forever, "But you
    saved me?As difficult and as frustrating as it's
    been sometimes your goddamn strict rationalism and
    science has saved me a thousand time over. You've
    kept me honest; you've made me a whole person. I
    owe you everything, Scully and you owe my nothing.
    I don't know if I want to do this alone, I don't
    even know if I can and if I quit now, they win!"
    I knew from that moment on we would belong to
    each other, whether it be physically or mentally or
    emotionally, we would be one. I was about to an-
    nounce to her again that I loved her. I finally
    built up all my courage. This time I wasn't under
    the influence of the hospital's wonderful drug. I
    was about to say it when her heart rate machine
    started to go psycho on me. The look I saw in her
    eyes at that very moment made my heart shatter into
    more than a million pieces. She was slipping away
    on me and fast. I screamed for a doctor, a nurse,
    for a prayer but I was too late. She was dead.
    The last words to escape her mouth were, "I love
    you!" and then she was. No good-byes, any last
    kiss anything but the three words I wanted to tell
    her.
    Her brother, mother and doctor all entered the
    room to find me balling my eyes out. I was saying
    the same words over and over hoping it would bring
    her back, but it wouldn't. "No, no, Scully,
    please, please wake up. Please!" My tears were
    drowning out my words. I couldn't stop them. They
    were like an annoying water faucet that wouldn't
    stop in a hotel room. Her mother came over to com-
    fort me, her tears soaking my shirt. "It's ok Fox,
    it's going to be ok." She tried to reassure me but
    I wouldn't listen. I shrugged her arm off my
    shoulder and kept trying to talk to Scully.
    "Please, wake up, I need you, Scully I need you.
    Please. I love you. I love you so much. Please
    don't leave me alone, I can't do this without you."
    My tears increasing with each declaration that es-
    caped my orifice.
    The doctors and nurses finally announced to the
    family that she was gone. Both her brother and
    mother just nodded but not me. I was tranquil; I
    was like a dead weight. Her family started to
    leave the room but her mother noticed that I still
    wasn't moving. She came and placed her hand back
    on my shoulder. "Fox, honey, please come with us.
    There's nothing you can do. She left peacefully,
    please just let her go. Let her go Fox!" she said
    in almost aggravated tone. I stand up; I still
    haven't let go of her hand, which is now completely
    limp. Her mother pulls me by my arm but I don't
    want to budge, I don't want to leave her. After
    five minutes I let go of her hand which brought
    more sorrow.
    The doctors departed giving all of us their con-
    dolences. One of them in particular giving me a
    hug and a kiss on the cheek telling me how sorry
    she was; that she knew how close Scully and I were.
    It took me more than a minute to see that it was a
    best friend of mine, someone who has always been
    there for me just like Scully and who has helped me
    through the rough times when Scully was in the hos-
    pital. I could tell Mrs. Scully was about to say
    something but I interrupted her by starting to cry
    again. This time I felt like I wanted to die,
    there was no reason to keep on living, not without
    Scully. She was my universe, my air, and my reason
    for living. But what was I supposed to do not that
    she was gone? I didn't stop crying for more than
    20 minutes in Mrs. Scully's arms. I think I'm go-
    ing to have to buy her a new sweater, one more men-
    tal note that I'll probably forget.
    I didn't know where to go, what to do or how to
    do anything. My brain had just shut itself off. I
    decided to go to the hospital cafeteria not yet
    wanting to go home. I got myself a table and sat
    down. I had the blankest expression on my face.
    All of a sudden a large coffee and chocolate chip
    muffin were placed in front of me. I expected it
    to be Mrs. Scully but it wasn't. It took my eyes
    the longest time to move up to her face to find out
    who she was.
    I slowly drifted my eyes up her body, starting
    from her feet. From what I saw, she was very tall.
    She had nice slender, muscular legs, she also
    seemed to have a fit body but it was hard to tell
    because it was hidden behind that white coat of
    hers. I looked at her nametag and felt better, not
    much though. It read Dr. Isabelle Reed. She also
    had a little design on her coat of Tigger and
    Eeyor.
    "Can I sit down or are you just going to sit
    there staring at my chest?" she asked whimsically.
    "Be my guest and I wasn't staring at your
    chest!" I stated though a mumbled voice. She
    started to rub my forearm and the back of my hand
    soothingly.
    "How are you, really?" she asked in a very con-
    cerned voice. I think she's the very first person
    to ask me. I hesitated for a moment but decided
    not to say anything. I don't want anymore sympathy
    and especially not from one of my best friends.
    She noted my silence and took it as a hint that I
    didn't want to talk right now, that I needed some
    time to be alone and gather my thoughts before re-
    ceiving anymore-fake sympathy from people who
    really don't care. She let go of my hand as she
    stood up and I felt the wave of sadness return.
    She walked behind me and whispered into my ear,
    "I'm here for you, you know that right? Take as
    much time as you need but not too much though.
    When you are ready to talk about it, I'll be ready
    to listen. Go home, get some sleep and please try
    to eat something. And please don't do anything
    stupid. I know it hurts loving the person you love
    with your whole heart but it's not worth dying is
    it? I don't want to loose another friend." And
    with that she left. I nodded after she left, she's
    right, I had thought about killing myself after
    Scully had died but I had to continue, had to con-
    tinue for her. To find these bastards who did this
    to her and took her from her family and I. First,
    I had to get out of here but something was holding
    me back from leaving.
    I finally managed to get out of that hospital.
    There are so many unpleasant memories there that if
    I hadn't of got out of they're instantaneously; I
    would have started to bawl again.
    I sat in my car and didn't budge. The radio was
    blaring just as I turned the key in the ignition.
    I went to turn it down but a song that reminded me
    of her was playing. Somewhere, beyond the sea.
    Somewhere waiting for me? My eyes started to tear
    up but I quickly changed the channel. I went
    through all the AM and FM stations each time there
    was a song that reminded me of Scully. I finally
    turned off the radio hoping the silence would wash
    away my tears. The silence only seemed to bring me
    more sorrow. I can't do this without her.
    I turned the car off as I pulled up into her
    parking space. I kept thinking of her dying words
    to me. They would not cease to repeat over and
    over in my head. I love you! I looked over to
    the passenger seat in my car and saw her coat lying
    there. I picked it up remembering the last time
    she sat in that seat wearing it. It was only a few
    days ago when we were driving back from a case.
    That's how this all happened actually.
    It was on a Wednesday morning and we had just
    got off the plane coming back from Nevada. All
    throughout the flight she looked like she was going
    to pass out. She was white as a ghost and she was
    freezing cold, just like I had found her in Antarc-
    tica. We got in my car and all the way home she
    complained about the temperature. I thought she
    was just being foolish and told her to stop acting
    as if she were trying to get my sympathy. But then
    it happened, just like that. She started to get a
    nosebleed. When I saw that blood fall from her
    nose, I almost got us killed in a car accident.
    She turned and faced me with an expression I'll
    never forget. It was that same look she gave me
    just before she died. I closed my eyes and held
    her jacket closer to my heart hoping that she was
    in that jacket. I sobbed silently into her jacket
    wishing she were hear in my arms so I could hold
    onto her forever and never let go, never.
    I made my way up to her apartment door. I stood
    there studying, remembering all the many times I
    knocked down that door to save her or knocked on it
    to disturb about some worthless case. I position
    my hand in the knocking position when I remembered
    that no one lived here anymore. Once unlocked and
    then locked again, I was all-alone in this barren
    apartment, many memories still lingered in my head.
    But it was her, her spirit and her smell that was
    still present in the air. I still love that smell.
    I moved myself around the living room noticing
    many things that I had never seen before. It's
    probably because I was never here to sit, talk and
    admire her place; it was always about work. That's
    all it's ever been about. I don't think there was
    ever a day where I just stopped working to ask her
    how she felt, how she really felt. I was so
    wrapped up in trying to restore the burned X-Files
    that I didn't even notice her withering away before
    my very eyes. I fell onto her couch and it made a
    tiny thud. Her couch, how many memories do I have
    of her couch. How many times had I fallen asleep
    on her couch after something bad has happened to
    her? More times than I care to remember. I picked
    up a picture that caught the corner of my eyes. It
    was of her, sitting under a tree a reading a book,
    one of her favorite pass-times. There was a beau-
    tiful sunset in the background and the sky was
    clear. She looked like angel, my angel.
    I stayed on that couch for what seemed to be
    days on end but it was actually a mere three min-
    utes. I told myself to get over this, that there
    was nothing in the world I could do to bring her
    back, nothing. I had to start packing up her
    stuff; her mother would probably want to put it
    somewhere she could always look at. I went and
    found a couple of boxes in the basement of the
    apartment building. I also found a large masking
    tape roller. I was about to go upstairs when her
    super stopped me.
    "Hey you, drop whatever you got in your hands
    now and get the hell out of my basement before I
    call the cops!" his annoying voice went through one
    ear and out the other. I walked right past him and
    kept going, not even turning around to see the ex-
    pression on his face.
    After three hours of packing almost everything
    in her livingroom and kitchen in the boxes, I found
    myself starting to un-pack them as well. I remem-
    bered there was still the bathroom and bedroom,
    also any closet I missed. I went straight to her
    bathroom noticing a heavy weight was lifted off my
    shoulders. I guess it must be because I have no
    really bad or good memories of Scully and her bath-
    room. Well, except for the Tooms thing but I saved
    her. I picked up all the bottles, towels, and any
    other little accessory I could find. They all
    smelled like her, this was her scent. The one I
    always longed to smell everyday. Wild Strawberries
    seemed to be one of her favorite scents in this
    bathroom. I always dreamed of Scully and strawber-
    ries but it was too late for that. I was always
    too late, always.
    After packing up in her bathroom I moved myself
    to the place I had been dreading since my arrival,
    her bedroom. There were so many memories that lay
    in that room that I was afraid I might brake down
    and start crying again. I don't think it's possi-
    ble though, I completely drained my tears in her
    jacket.
    The moment my whole entire body was through her
    bedroom door, it was like a huge wave of sadness
    passed through my body. I almost started to cry
    again but I held it back. I walked over to her
    closet and opened it. "Wow!" I said in utter
    amazement. I never knew Scully had so many suits.
    But behind her suits were clothes I had never seen
    before. Never in the seven years I have known her.
    They were dress clothes, not office clothing but
    fancy dinner clothing. No wonder I had never seen
    her in any of them. I removed everything from her
    closet; placed all the clothes neatly on her chair.
    I moved toward her dresser.
    I decided to start from the bottom and work my
    way up. The bottom drawer contained pants. Every
    kind she owned. Like jeans, sweats, and spandex.
    Those must be for exercising, which she used to do
    regularly. The next drawer contained her shirts.
    From the mini-tees she owned all the way to the
    loose baggy shirts she wears for relaxing. Every-
    thing of hers is so stylish, but they lost touch
    when they were placed in the boxes with everything
    else. I was now at the final drawer. I knew what
    awaited me there. I thought about letting Mrs.
    Scully clean out that area but I knew it would take
    too long. I swiftly opened the drawer.
    It wasn't as bad as I thought. Inside were the
    usual panties and bras but there were also some
    boxers and some really short shits. All rolled up
    neatly in the corner were her nylons, knee-high
    stockings, and socks. She had quite an amount of
    stuff in these drawers.
    I started to feel faint. I was tired after
    hours of packing. My stomach was rumbling and my
    throat was very dry. I moved back to her kitchen
    for some food and something to drink. There wasn't
    that much in choice to eat or drink. Actually
    there was nothing good per say. It was mostly
    health stuff or low-fat stuff. Blah! It seemed
    the more I cleaned up all of Scully's stuff, her
    apartment was somewhat looking more and more like
    mine; cluttered yet barren at the same time.
    I had eaten the muffin that Belle had given me
    earlier tonight. It was actually quite good. It
    was hard to believe that it came from the cafete-
    ria. I moved myself back to her bedroom and sat on
    her bed. God, this bed held so many memories for
    me. It usually involved something dangerous but it
    reminded me more and more of Scully. I went
    through the books beside her bed. 'The Deep End of
    the Ocean' 'Kiss the Girls' 'The Shinning' 'Break-
    fast at Tiffany's'. A lot of good books, hard to
    believe she had great taste in book as well. What
    didn't she have great taste n, oh yeah, men. There
    was another book that caught my attention. It had
    no author nor a title. I picked it up and flipped
    through it quickly. There seemed to always be the
    same name but different dates. Could it be that I
    had stumbled upon a diary of hers?
    I placed the diary back realizing that I had no
    right to read her personal thoughts. I had put my
    foot down but my curiosity won me over and I leafed
    through her diary. Some of the entries were very
    interesting or so they seemed. I wasn't really
    reading them, I was just looking for a name, mine.
    I didn't find it, not even once. How weird. Just
    as I was about to lace the diary back for a second
    time, a piece of paper fell out, actually a couple
    fell out. I picked them up and was shocked at what
    I saw. It was a letter and it was addressed to me.
    I was very curious about this letter. I placed the
    papers in the right order and started to read.
    Dear Mulder,
    If you are reading this letter it means that I
    am dead or that you are just plain snoopy. I know
    you are probably going through a pain right now.
    All I can say is sorry. Whatever happened to me is
    not your fault, well unless you really killed me.
    These jokes are just as bad as yours but I guess
    that comes from spending more than 7 years with
    you.
    I know it will take you a while to get over me
    but you must be strong, you must continue. You
    must go on to find the men who did this to me and
    who took away your sister. You must continue you
    work on the X-Files to find the truth.
    Love you always and forever,
    Dana
    Silent sobs escaped Mulder. His tears were
    soaking the letter. "I did find my truth Scully,
    you, you are my truth." He refolded the letter and
    placed it in his back pocket. His eyes started to
    droop. His body curled up on her side of the bed.
    He held her pillow and sobbed some more. He
    quickly fell into a deep sleep; he had cried him-
    self to sleep.
    I paced around her livingroom waiting for some-
    one to come, anyone. Then all of a sudden she was
    there, right in front of me and looking as beauti-
    ful as ever. Could she be an angel, the angel she
    always was?
    "Scully? Scully is it really you?"
    "Mulder," she whispered quietly. I was speech-
    less. "Mulder, Mulder, Mulder?"
    I was suddenly being shaken, then it stopped.
    Now there was a warm, soft hand stroking my cheek
    and hair. "Hey sleepy-head, wake up. You're
    sleeping on my pillow and pj's. Get up." I was now
    being shoved further on the bed. I opened my eyes
    slowly, letting them adjust to the dim light.
    "MMMRRRPPPHHH?" I said groggily, clearing my
    throat. I gradually lifted my head from the pillow
    and noticed it was wet in one particular place. I
    was drooling, how embarrassing. When I saw the
    person in front of me I almost had a heart attack.
    It was her, right there before my very eyes. The
    same eyes that hours ago saw her die. But she was-
    n't dead, she was alive.
    "Earth to Mulder. Hey, common get moving, I
    want to get to sleep," she said with a slight laugh
    in her voice.
    "Scully, you're?you're alive. But how, I saw
    you die? What?how?" I mumbled through a question-
    able voice.
    "Mulder, I'm very much so alive, I assure you.
    You fell sound asleep on my bed after you threw-up
    three times in my bathroom. You must have had a
    nightmare because you were crying and tossing and
    turning in your sleep. What were you dreaming
    about?" She asked with a sympathetic tone.
    "It was horrible Scully. I dreamt that you had
    died, right in front of me and I never get to tell
    you I loved you," I paused for a moment to see the
    expression on her face. She was smiling at my last
    words. "I didn't know what to do or where to go,
    so I cam here, to your apartment. I decided it
    would be best if I clean up your stuff seeing as
    how I would be the only person who could do it. I
    was so sad that I cried myself to sleep on your
    bed. I was actually surprised that I had more
    tears to cry because I cried them all in the hospi-
    tal and the car. I was so scared, I though I had
    lost you forever, then I had a dream in a dream,
    that was even weirder. Promise me Scully you won't
    ever leave me, I don't think I could deal with it.
    I need you and I?I love you!" I stated it quite
    proudly and her eyes teared up. The tears started
    to fall and I hugged her with a lot of force. I
    never wanted to let her go, never. I guess I held
    her too tight because she tried to push me away and
    tried to gasp for air.
    "Oh Mulder, I'm never going to leave. I prom-
    ise. You have my word that I wont leave unless
    there is a really good reason and even then they
    will have to drag me away from you," she laughed a
    bit through her tears. "Common, why don't you get
    up and we'll go watch a movie and order some food,
    hoping you can keep it down." She pulled me up off
    her bed and brought me to her couch. She sat me
    down, wrapped me up in a blanket and popped in a
    video.
    I didn't know what movie we were watching I was
    too busy try to stay cuddled up to Scully. It has
    been a long time since we've cuddled. I like it,
    she's tiny yet warm. We stayed like this until the
    next morning but we would always stay like this,
    for eternity.
    The End
    What do you think? E-mail me at
    angeliceye@hotmail.com
    


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